I received some bad news from back home this morning. My grandpa, Toha Tirta passed away yesterday in the age of 84 years old. Engkong (it’s grandfather in Bahasa Indonesia) is like a parent to me. I grew up in Jakarta, Indonesia. My parents were young when they had me. Engkong & Amay (my grandmother) helped my mom & dad to raise me. I lived in a house with them, my parents, and my uncles. It was a normal household for families in Indonesia.

Engkong took care of me a lot of times. He took me to school and also picked me up. Before he had a car, he drove a Blue Vespa motorcycle. I would ride in the front standing up with no helmet (hello we lived in Jakarta, Indonesia where no one cares about this type of thing). I felt free every time we rode that Vespa. He also took me to a lot of events. Weddings! I attended so many weddings as a 4 years old. My favorite part was of course the free food and free ice cream. He also went to the Monas square with my grandma every morning before dawn to exercise. They did Tai Chi or just walked. When I didn’t have school, I would go with them to the square. It was always exciting for me. We woke up at 3am to get ready for exercise. I walked around the square with engkong and then I watched the sunrise.

My engkong loved to travel. Ever since I was a little girl, I saw him went on his adventure and when he came home he would brought me stuff and told me about his adventures. He traveled around in Indonesia and also the world. China was one of his favorite countries because that’s where our ancestors came from and he was fluent in Mandarin as well. I think that’s where I got my Wanderlust from. Since I was a little girl, I know that there are so much to see and adventures to go on in this world.

It has been a hard few years to see him struggling with Alzheimer. He was a healthy man until a few years ago. Suddenly his health dropped, he was hospitalized and when he woke up he didn’t know anyone and the doctor said he had Alzheimer. The last time I visited Indonesia was in 2017 and he was still able to recognized me even tho he called me by my sisters’ names or my mom’s name sometimes but he still recognized me. He was easily to get tired then. After that, his health was getting worse. He passed away yesterday, naturally. I just wished he knew that how much we love him because I don’t think he knew what’s going on besides he was in pain. I know that he is in a better place now, no more suffering and I want that for him.

I am struggling to process this grief because I am far away from my family in USA and my family in Indonesia. For the first time in my life, I am completely by myself. This is a big thing that just happened and  I am trying to give myself permission to take a break and grief. It’s so hard when all I want is to hug my family and telling each other that we will be ok.

Goodbye for now, Engkong. Until we meet again. I love you, thank you for loving me and I will miss you so much.